With some films you just have to think: ‘How did THAT make it out of the board room!?’
Here we celebrate the genius of silver-tongued writers/directors/morons who managed to trick studio bosses into wasting their money on (aka greenlighting) the most useless of projects.
CASE #1609: OCEAN’S TWELVE
“So here’s our pitch. Ocean’s 11 was so cool and fun and made lots of money, so we thought we’d take the series in a completely different direction this time. The Clooney is back with his gang of misfits, but instead of robbing a casino they’ll be robbing… we haven’t decided yet but it’ll come. Right, then we thought we’d have Julia Roberts as herself, meeting Julia Roberts who is working with the REAL Bruce Willis, who’ll be playing HIMSELF as a film star who is working with the actual Julia Roberts. Simple, yeah? Then Eddie Izzard turns up and makes this weird hologram thing that they can use to replace the thing they’re trying to nick, imagine a small glass banana or tin of beans, just something as visually spectacular as a big casino. And the way they steal it is really really clever and has a twist in the tale- they go in and take it and then run away reasonably fast. Then we wanted a really talented, charismatic actress to play this interpol woman trying to get The Clooney and co, but we had to settle for Catherine Zeta-Jones. Anyway she’s this crazy unspecified law-enforcement bitch who’s always on their tail, and meanwhile Pittster and The Clooney are robbing this anonymous con artist blind just to show how damn clever they are, but the cool thing will be that even the audience won’t know how they robbed him! They won’t even see the cool way they do it, just hear about it afterwards in dull, inaudible talking scenes. Like Reservoir Dogs.”
MR STUDIO MOGUL: Congratulations guys, another hit on our hands. Gee, with Pittster, The Clooney and now BRUCE WILLIS in our clutches, we don’t even have to try!
CASE #4548: HOUSE OF WAX
“So we’ve got a super hot female lead- that blonde bombshell off 24. I think to notch up her sexiness we’ll dye her hair mousy brown, that’ll work. Anyway, she’s with her hot boyfriend and hot brother and Paris Hilton on a camping trip. They think the car needs a rest and decide to stop in a safe place for the night, and so they stop in the most horrifically terrifying-looking place anyone on Earth has ever witnessed. They film a bit of it and everyone will go ‘Oh christ not another bloody Blair Witch’, but bare with us, they don’t actually go into the woods! A pickup truck comes out, turns its haedlights on for ten minutes and then drives off. Obviously this is the scariest thing ever experienced to this bunch of campers, but Paris Hilton starts whining about prison or something and so mousy Elisha goes off to find half a hubcap to get the car looking snazzy again. She gets a lift off this perverted (but non-stereotypical, of course) hillbilly guy who was actually the one scarily shining his headlights at the gang. DUM DUM DAAAAHHHHH!!!
They get to the local town after a boring drive, perhaps we’ll get Elisha to show a bit of bra at this point because of a dirty t-shirt that needs changing or something. The town is full of people, but if we’ve got no money left after hiring Paris Hilton we’ll use dummies instead of extras- no one will know the difference. this is about an hour into the film, we really want to create the false sense of security that absolutely nothing of any interest is going to happen in this entire film, and then hit them with the big shocker: there is a wax museum in the town! Ahhhhhhhh!!! Most of the audience will run out of the cinema screaming at this point, but the brave few that stay are in for a treat. Inside the museum, another fucked up hillbilly likes to melt people for kicks, however he shows inhuman resilience by getting Elisha bound and gagged in a chair and NOT raping her. So that bland mardy-arse from One Tree Hill breaks into the wax museum EVENTUALLY (after Paris Hilton NEARLY gets her kit off before being brutally stabbed) and somehow he melts all the wax. We haven’t actually worked out how that’ll happen yet. Any ideas? And then there’s a twist at the end, ’cause it turns out the guy who built the museum has 28 other mentally deranged relatives, many of whom smile and wave at the police truck as the gang are rescued from the town. Just in case you want loads of sequels.”
MR STUDIO MOGUL: Wow, this is freakin’ dynamite. Wax is indeed very scary. Here’s millions of dollars fellas.
CASE #6501: KING ARTHUR
“We’ve got a super-hot sexy female too! The blokes aren’t that bad to look at either, despite the fact that middle England wasn’t really famed for its cosmetic surgeons and dental hygiene to say the least. It’s ok though, because one of them’s Ray Winstone so it balances out. Right, then there’s the source material! We can’t wait to get going on this project, it’s such a dark, gritty, thrilling, exciting, timeless story of adventure and action and violence and sexiness. But we want to bring it into the new era, so we’ll be revealing the unexplored, untold side of the legend. You know, the really f*****g boring bits.
We’ll capture the nasty, foul-smelling essence of Arthur, make him a bland, stony-faced dullard with all the charisma of a donkey. That casting was a no-brainer- Clive Owen of course! The plot will be a breathtaking ride through a harsh, broken landscape, on horseback at 3.5mph. A gentle trot if you will. The epic journey is interrupted every now and again to wipe the excrement from the horses’ hooves and for someone to talk about something boring. We might have Kiera and Clive do a bit of sauciness, just because we can. It should all turn out something like Gladiator, but with more of the pointless, lifeless conversationness and much, much less of the incredible action sequences. We might even lose that element altogether, if the talky-talky stuff (inevitably) ets too important to cut.
By the end of the legendary tale of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING- in which the most ferociously successful killer in battle is in fact A SHEET OF ICE- we aim to have unearthed the ‘real’ King Arthur (a snail-paced chunk of self-important misery) and in the process completely soured the contemporary audience to one of the most beguiling legends in English history.”
BIG CHEESE PRODUCER: Well I don’t doubt you’ll acheive this ambitious aim with crap to spare! Here’s my wallet. By the way, I tend to suffer from seizures if i see anything vibrant, so be sure to use only the most drab colour palette in existence. Bonza!