Pirates III: Doesn’t Finish Until The World Ends

June 3, 2007

Another in a long line of ‘threequels’ this summer, the latest Pirates instalment proves as mind-boggling as the last.

The problem really lies with the writers leaving themselves far too much to wrap up after the second film-the plot needed to go on a diet, not eat Christmas dinner and sit in a big chair all winter. As a result, we’re expected to keep track of around 7 mythical objects, 26 troubled relationships and enough pirate egos to fill Davy Jones’ locker. Old characters re-appear for a few seconds simply to be dispatched, countless deals are made, un-made, crossed and triple-crossed, and Asian cinema legend Chow Yun Fat is criminally wasted in a useless opening section. So, to make time for all this confusion the film runs at a rear-aching 168 mins, uncomfortably edited and heavily bloated in the middle.

The crowd-pleasing money-spinner that is Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) raises the odd smile and as usual his eccentricity steals the show, but the gags are rare and laboured and even he fails to lift the film itself above anything but a soggy mess. After promising sparkle and fizz in the first movie, the central romance of heroic duo Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley ends up dull, lifeless and wetter than a man overboard. Thankfully Geoffrey Rush’s Barbossa eats up the screen in a wisely expanded role, as does Bill Nighy’s ultra-tentacled Davy Jones- though it would have been nice to see more of his actual face.

Yes, it’s another visual triumph, but to no great effect. Pirates 3 is startling proof that money and technology cannot make up for failing to tell a good story. I for one enjoy lots going on in a film, as long as it’s smartly handled. In this case the sense of fun and swashbuckling adventure is drowned in a wave of special effects and ultimately a lack of imagination with potentially exciting ideas (the sequence in purgatory is a particular wasted opportunity). When it does hit it right it’s very entertaining; the fight sequences are tight and the final showdown featuring pirates from across the globe is breathtaking, but it’s all too little too late.

When the last scene finally rolls around, the seeds are sown for the next adventure in the form of the quest for the Fountain Of Youth. Here’s hoping they’ll redeem this promising series after comprehensively sinking their latest ship.

THE CRUNCH

1/5 scene-stealing monkeys

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2 Responses to “Pirates III: Doesn’t Finish Until The World Ends”

  1. Blackbeard` said

    Greetings comrade in this godless paradise. I am writing to you from beyond the grave, where I have just been speaking with Mr. Richards. And what he tells me does surely rattle my bones. I sir, am a true pirate. I can rape more women and children in an hour than any man I rob the poor to feed the poor. and gold teeth. you think i have any real teeth? Although i awate these delightful realities upon release of the identical, sorry, collectors edition, i cannot expect them.

  2. Blackbeard` said

    Greetings comrade in this godless paradise. I am writing to you from beyond the grave, where I have just been speaking with Mr. Richards. And what he tells me does surely rattle my bones. I sir, am a true pirate. I can rape and kill more women and children than my subordinates can eat lice. I rob the poor to feed the poor. and teeth. you think i have teeth? Although i awate these delightful realities upon release of the identical, sorry, collectors edition, i cannot expect them. And my sincerest compliments to those who diplomatically decided to portray the 17th century carribean as a place where one mas to look out for soul-eating-human-squidfaces and not bubonic plague. i suppose its all for the best. As I survey your clean-handed new bidders for the job, i can only say this. Pirates were alot cooler when i was around. best wishes, i am sure u will kill many people. x (that is not a kiss, a pirate may not a have a signature. faggot)

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